I'm living under the water...

Monday, March 9, 2009

I'm feeling quite empty now. Don't really know what's happening to me. I guess it's because i've been struggling real hard with my faith. and I think because it's been almost two years already that's why i'm quite tired.

I guess it started when I began losing faith when God took my dad away from me, so it's about a year and a half so far. and He chose to take my dad away when it's nearing my a levels. yeah, of all times right. at that time I was really struggling hard. it's like fighting to breath behind the trying to be strong front that I had to put up. and it didn't help when my mum is working on shifts and my brother being abroad in Australia. which means I had to be home alone on some nights. Maybe it's something others would see as a privilege and hope they can be home alone too, but to me, I just feel insecure. so when my brother was back in sg for that 2 weeks plus, I was really happy because I was able to forget about these things, to the extent that I was willing to forgo my prelims.

I had this dream the other night which left me crying very badly all alone at home. and I don't know if it was supposed to be a dream or a nightmare. because I was scared wits out and I saw my dad in that dream.

well, it went like this, I dreamt myself sleeping in my own room on a typical night when I'm alone at home, when something made me wake up in my dream and I saw two women laughing histerically wacthing me sleep and when they saw me woke up, they ran out of my room and out of my house through the fully open door and gate. and I wondered how they got in. so I locked up,and went back to sleep. and later the story repeated itself, now leaving me quite frantic and almost crying already because I just don't know how they got in. and this time, when I chased them out the front door, I saw my dad. and when he appeared, I burst out crying uncontrollably. asking me what's wrong, all I did was pointed in the direction those two women ran and he gave chase. yeah, and I woke up from my sleep soaked in my tears. after calming myselfdown. i walked out of my room and went to the front door to check if it was locked. but I ended up squating there crying as I remembered the scene when my dad appeared.

This is something which I think I'm only able to narrate here because I'm even finding it hard to fight back my tears now, so I don't think I will be able to say it out to anyone, not even my family members.

Somehow, when I'm typing this whole dream out, it dawned on me that maybe God was trying to show me something. maybe He was trying to show me that He knows how exactly I'm feeling now and that I'm missing my dad so so much. So He gave me this dream to let me know that He's there and knows. But I'm still not sure. as I have said, I'm losing my faith because of this anger inside me that God took my dad away even though I had believed so much that He will heal my dad. I'm still struggling to believe, so I'm still going to church regularly and going for the SSL session on friday nights. I've been thinking alot these days esp after this random lady sitting beside me during SSL said the word," TRUST" to me. She said it's something God wanted her to tell me. It really struck me hard because I don't even know this lady, much less no one knows what i'm going through at this point and moment, because I didn't even tell a single soul. and just last friday, another random lady also said the same word to me. that makes it the second. but this time she said something more. she said, " You just have to Trust, nothing more, and He will show you His plans."

Well, I guess it's really up to me now.

16:01