I'm living under the water...

Monday, March 23, 2009

I don't really know how to start this post but it's something I really want to throw out from inside me. and I forsee this is going to be quite a long post.

I can say, today is a finally a breakthrough for me. Not in anything important for a fact to others but to me especially. Well, today started off as per normal. Woke up early, met my mum for breakfast at Macs then headed off to church. well, as you all know, i've been questioning my faith for quite some time. But all those anger, questions, disappointment and expectations are thrown away when worship began today in church. Sze, des and me are actually planning to go on the project cochin trip this aug for a volunteer programme. I didn't think much of it, except my desire to actually take this opportunity to go out there and help and experience their culture. Until I actually felt someone telling me during worship to go to India (cochin) do the volunteer work AND reach out to those over there. "oh wow". that was my reaction in me at that time. and I thought, " don't joke with me, You know how I'm feeling now." I know it was rude of me for that reply, but seriously, I wasn't totally in the mood for this kind of things. and the arguement went on saying, I'm questioning my faith now and You're still asking me to go out there to reach out to people?" what a joke right. yeah, then there was a silence, worship ended with me just mouthing a few words. there was a baptism service today for the children and adults. But the baptism reminded of the time I was baptised. That familiar joy I had inside me welled up. then after the baptism service, there was a guest speaker Dr. Tamara Winslow. well, nothing could be more appropriate than that sermon today. it involved baptism and God's visitation. yeah, God's visitation. WOW right. and I was saying something abt wanting God to step down into my room and just sit with me and chat or just watch me in my other post remember? She was saying something abt God's visitation when you really desire. I'm not really sure. But all I knew was that God was telling me, or rather chiding me on what I rebuked Him with earlier, that He will keep His promise and come soon. So many thoughts were going through my mind at that time, that I felt I was like all the waves in the air, needing the right tuning to listen to what I need to understand. It was like a sense of being thrown into utter confusion. flashbacks, my present life, my future were all surfacing at the same time until I finally gave in. I couldn't deny Him any longer. so many things just fell into place. yeah, so I said alright. I will go. I will try my best alright, since I haven't done anything like going to a foreign land and sharing the word.

yeah, I when I came home, I took a nap then woke up later at night, and just happen to catch a documentary on water. oh, for your info, this project cochin is to improve the sanitaion and safe water supply to the villagers there. yeah, the doc showed different places in the world where many are displaced due to the extensive building of dams in places like India, Ghana, China, etc. . and how companies like Nestle and Coca Cola are so driven by monetary greed, that they expoilted the environment and extensively endangered the lives of the people by taking away their rights to clean and safe water supply. I shan't get dragged into this debate cos it will be really long if I really do. yeah, and I saw images of people suffering, esp in India, it was sort of like an encouragement for me to go out there because it really stirred my inner desire to reach out and understand them.

well, all I can say is that everything is planned out. and quek, your mum will say yes soon. =D

And I just realised that I actually think a lot by myself. really a lot. thoughts appear in my mind in a flash. is it a good thing to think so much? I don't really know the answer. but all I can say is that I like being by myself and have some quiet time on my own. I just developed a habit of plugging into my iPod before I fall asleep at night nowadays. listening to the music, my feelings rollercoaster with the different emotions and melody the song delivers. my feelings AND memories. from the happy ones to the sad ones, they are all bounded by those songs. it's like what they say, there is a song to every season in your life. yeah, I guess that's true.

alright, goodnight.

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